What's the deal?

The weeks are streaming together and I"m finding that even when I do have time to hang out with family over the weekend my mind is completely preoccupied with the next upcoming test. I went home this weekend for Brenda's 50th & granny's 90th birthday parties and all I did other than attend those parties was study for by Behavioral science exam. I'm not quite sure what the deal is, but the trend in exams so far seems to be that I study like crazy until I really feel like I know the material, then I think I did well on the test, and then I get my score back only to be disappointed. I could understand if while I was taking the test I was thinking "man ,I'm going to bomb this one!", but I"m always thinking "Hey, this isn't as hard as I thought it would be!" and I really feel like I know the right answers.

I thought that my first test in pathology didn't go so well because of test anxiety( which has gotten progressively worse since the MCAT), so this time around I tried very hard to relax and take my time, reading every question several times before I answered it. I even had "bleaker street" humming around my head while I worked and I felt surprisingly mellow, but I still did worse than everyone else on the exam. I say everyone...I actually don't know that for anyone other than taylor and emilie, but even still...I want to make a good grade for once!!! I am extremely frustrated and feeling very defeated. I forced myself to have a positive attitude after the last test destroyed my spirits, and now this one, though it wasn't quite as bad, has put me right back where I was before. Everyone else was saying "I can't believe how easy it was, I wish I hadn't studied as much", and here I am wishing I had studied for another week just to make the grades they are making. I am beginning to accept the fact that I am going to barely hang on in this program until the end, if I make it that far. This will definitely be the most difficult challenge I have had to face so far. I am amazed at the hours I put in and the results I receive for my efforts. If only I didn't have to sleep. My mind keeps wandering off to christmas break....only a few months away..it seems like an eternity, but one I am so looking forward to. I just want to fix people...why am I feeling like the one who needs to be fixed? (tear, shrug)
I know, I know...."this too shall pass".

Today is not a good day :(

Well I got my pathology test grade back and the excitement I felt after turning it in has quickly deflated. I am having flashbacks of undergrad where I study like crazy and then get my grade back and have barely slipped by. I hate that feeling. I was really feeling like I did well, so I'm not quite sure what happened. Then I was looking forward to coming to class and hearing that everyone else did poorly, but to no avail...everyone else did well. Our next test is next week so I"m going to study like a mad women and hope that I can keep slipping my. I keep reminding myself that all I have to do is pass. It's still frustrating that I"m putting in so much time and not seeing the benefits of my time spent.

Needless to say, I am really excited to be going home this weekend. Brenda's 50th birthday is saturday and then granny's 90th is on sunday. I will get to reading. Pray for me:)